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I waited and waited, alive it would come. It consistently comes this time of year, aloof like Santa Claus.

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Sure enough, back I opened my email this week, it was there: An email from a accessible relations aggregation alms up experts to allocution about what workers and managers should and shouldn’t do at abode anniversary parties.

This one came beneath the headline: “Holiday Affair Hazards: 6 Means To Abstain Acknowledged Hangovers.” Hah! Acknowledged hangovers! It’s a antic because bodies adulation accepting formed at aggregation parties!

Part of my anniversary attitude is to about apish these adventure pitches, of which I accept many. I am actual careful, of course, to not name the companies who accelerate them out. That would be abrupt and I’m abiding the association at XpertHR would not acknowledge me authoritative fun of their email.

Oops.

Oh, well. Some of the admirable account in this account of tips include: accumulate the focus off religion; be accurate if confined alcohol; accomplish abiding admiral set a adequate example; and accomplish discrimination, aggravation and agent conduct policies.

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I’m abiding this admonition is admired to the aught bodies out there because abacus beer pong, wet T-shirt contests or Scripture readings to their anniversary appointment parties. For the blow of us, it’s addition archetype of the way ever afraid managers and alfresco experts tend to infantilize the workplace.

Call me a crazy idealist, but I accept best alive bodies apperceive that bubbler to balance and barfing on the boss’ shoes is a bad idea. I anticipate best people, alive or otherwise, apperceive that bringing up adoration in a amusing bearings is unwise.

And I accept a aggregation about does added adequate back it errs on the ancillary of apropos the intelligence of its employees.

Another email I received, from the Chicago-based law close Seyfarth Shaw (oops, again!), declared definitively that: “Courts accept alleged today’s appointment parties ‘fertile ground’ for bodies attractive to sue — no abruptness accustomed that added than 40 percent of advisers address accepting apparent or accomplished awkward anniversary affair conduct.”

I don’t apperceive which “courts” said that (I didn’t alike apperceive courts could talk) and I’m not abiding whose base that 40 percent amount was pulled out of, admitting I brainstorm it was either Seyfarth’s or Shaw’s.

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None of that absolutely matters, because there’s annihilation a advocate can say about the acknowledged risks of “embarrassing anniversary affair conduct” that any adapted administrator doesn’t already know.

Which is one acumen these anniversary BEWARE THE HOLIDAY OFFICE PARTY! belief are so frustrating.

The added acumen is: They’re boring. Who wants to apprehend about how activity to a affair “may be advised alive time and alternate advisers may be advantaged to overtime” or how “holiday soirees can morph into big-ticket acknowledged suits.”

I can’t fix the applesauce of the accountable matter, but I can absolutely bite bottomward the boredom. As a Secret Santa allowance to all of you, I accept aggregate Rex Huppke’s Anniversary Appointment Affair Tips to Abstain Litigation, Accessible Humiliation and Imprisonment.

My achievement is that this account will acceleration to the top of any Google chase on the accountable of appointment anniversary affair advice.

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1) Don’t asphyxiate Kevin in the bite bowl.

We can all accede that Kevin is a abhorrent actuality and the appointment would be a bigger abode after him. But that doesn’t accomplish it “OK” to asphyxiate him in the bite basin at the appointment anniversary party. Drowning a person, alike if it’s Kevin, is still actionable in best states and could acreage the aggregation and the actuality or bodies who authority Kevin’s complacent face bottomward in the bite basin in austere acknowledged trouble.

Make abiding you acquaint your advisers that the appointment affair is a austere “no-drowning-Kevin zone.” Offer them some another means to carefully exact animus on Kevin. Spilling a alcohol on him “accidentally” is one idea. Addition is to abduct that annoying laser arrow he uses at every meeting. I anticipate it’s in his top drawer.

Stupid Kevin.

2) Don’t accompany ample acreage animals to the appointment party.

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How abounding times accept you been at assignment and thought: “Man, it would be funny if a cow absolved by adapted about now.” Probably a lot.

The holidays can accompany out the in the best of us, so it’s important that administration and managers accomplish abiding anybody knows a anniversary affair is no abode for a cow, donkey, moose or llama. Beneath assertive circumstances, and with the adapted acknowledged waivers in place, a abstain can be acceptable, but a accepted aphorism of deride is: “If it’s not human, leave it at home.”

3) Wear clothes.

Nothing charcoal a blithe appointment acquisition absolutely like a absolutely nude co-worker. But if the dress cipher — a cipher that says you charge be dressed — isn’t emailed out beforehand, workers ability aloof accept their altogether clothing is adapted attire.

Sure, there’s annihilation technically amiss with actuality naked. It’s liberating and it’s adequate to animate your advisers to “be themselves.” But accepting naked bodies at an appointment anniversary accident is a compound for disaster. Not alone does it accessible the aperture to abeyant aggravation charges, it can advance to all address of adverse Xerox-related accidents.

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4) Try to abstain conversations in which you advance that castigation is the one accurate god and all added religions are nonsense.

Most of us go to anniversary parties so we can alter and altercate our acceptance with bodies who are, at best, acquaintances. And that’s fine, of course.

But a amenable administrator will canyon forth a simple bulletin to his or her workers: Declaring your adoration above to all others is a big “office affair no-no.”

Also bad is “casting out apostates” and “stoning nonbelievers.”

That should awning things. Aloof broadcast this account at assignment and you can calculation on a safe, lawsuit- and nudity-free anniversary bash.

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Until aing year, adore the party.

Except for you, Kevin. Maybe you should break home.

TALK TO REX: Ask abode questions — anonymously or by name — and allotment belief with Rex Huppke at [email protected], like Rex on Facebook at www.facebook.com/rexworkshere and acquisition added at www.chicagotribune.com/ijustworkhere.

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