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The contempo allure with Kim Kardashian’s maternology wardrobe, and the media’s accepted fixation on pre- and post-baby bodies in general, has got me cerebration that best bodies absolutely accept no fucking clue about the adventure a woman’s anatomy takes during and afterwards pregnancy.

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I say this with peace, adulation and compassionate because I myself was additionally absolutely apprenticed afore I got abundant aftermost year. I anticipation I would accept this beautiful bang for a while, my face and ass cheeks would soften, and afresh 5-6 months of post-delivery advantageous bistro and casual exercise would accompany me aback to my pre-baby shape. I know. I am an idiot. But based on the way abundant women’s bodies and accouterment choices are covered in the media, I am not the alone one.

The accuracy is, best of us are alone “cute pregnant” for a very, actual tiny sliver of the abundance pie. The majority of the time our bodies attending like they were fatigued by some half-ass art apprentice activity through a Cubist appearance and nothing, not alike maternology clothes, fit absolutely right. Allow me to breach bottomward the perils best of us appointment aback bathrobe while pregnant, date by stage.

Months 1-2:

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A woman finds out she is pregnant. Mazel Tov. Now she apparently won’t absolutely alpha to appearance for a few months, but alike admitting she doesn’t attending abundant altered on the outside, she feels like a dizzy, ty blend on the inside. Abhorrence and angular jeans, heck, abhorrence and any constricting waistband whatsoever are not friends. So alike admitting she isn’t abundant bigger yet, and ability alike be smaller, she still ability charge to mumu and yoga-pant it up.

Month 3:

At this point she is assuming alright, but there are no accurate little half-domes involved. Instead, she aloof starts to thicken up all over, but the activity is best concentrated in her abdomen which has becomes this jiggly ambiguous accumulation of mush. Maternology clothes are still way too big, but her old clothes are too small. She is in no-mans acreage and can alone adjure that it is summer and empire-waist maxi-dresses are on auction at Old Navy.

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Months 4-6:

Hooray. She has arrived. She clearly shows. And she is no best nauseous. She goes out and buys fashionable maternology clothes. Everyone, appear and attending and blow the absolutely beautiful abundant lady. So cute! Acquaint her how

amazing

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she looks! How she has almost acquired any weight! Isn’t actuality abundant so fun?!!

Month 7:

Remember that abundant adult who looked so beautiful and almost acquired any weight except for that absolute little bump? Well, she’s back. Except this time she isn’t so cute. She is starting to get big, all over, like alike in her nose. (Can noses accretion weight?) Remember all those acme and dresses she got from the Pea in the Pod? Well, they’re starting to pull. Over her belly. Over her boobs. Bodies stop and acquaint her she charge be due any day now and she aloof nods and smiles because it isn’t account it to acquaint them the truth. Lewd men STILL stare, and occasionally whistle, at her impossible-to-hide boobs. Chairs alpha to squeak, loudly, aback she sits in them.

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Months 8 -9:

Wait. Remember how she was activity kinda big? How all those beautiful maternology clothes she bought were starting to pull? Now they don’t fit at all. She bought all those brainless maternology clothes for three fucking months! She can almost stand, she is so big. She can almost sit, she is so big. The seams on her maternology leggings are starting to split. The three shirts that still fit are stained. But she keeps cutting them, over and over again, because there is actually annihilation else.

Month 10:

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She gave bearing to a advantageous child, acknowledge goodness. Yay, she ability think, she can alpha cutting her old clothes and maybe alike boutique in the accustomed area again. Goodbye abominable fraying maternology leggings and stained, all-inclusive tops. To the incinerator! But hold-up, appealing lady, you can deride abroad on Gilt Groupe while feeding all you want, but that abdomen isn’t activity anywhere for awhile. For at atomic one ages she will still attending erect pregnant. During this time it is easier to aloof advance that bits out and pretend she absolutely is still abundant than aggravating to blot it in aback out in public.

Months 11 and beyond:

Her anatomy begins to shrink, but it is a apathetic crawl and some areas move much, abundant faster than others. She’s bistro healthy, she’s appliance and still, success agency affairs her old jeans over her ass. Zipping is out of the question. She it up and buys mom jeans aloof so she has article to abrasion in accession to those muumuus she wore during months 1 and 2. The end.

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Elissa Strauss is a blogger and columnist who writes about gender and culture. Follow her on Twitter at @elissaavery.

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