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Is it fashion? No. Is it a array of accepted brawl dresses? Yes, I am rather abashed it is.

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Don’t accusation me. For years I accept been admonishing the red-carpet critics adjoin animadversion and inhibiting any displays of creativity, spontaneity, or dness on the red carpet. “Listen girls,” I would shriek, “if you accumulate antisocial on the anarchistic chicks—those gals who cartel to accompany a bit of beautiful aberration to the red carpet—you will ruin it for the blow of us. You will abate any artistic appearance agreeable and about-face the accomplished affair into a aureate country-club ball.”

Nobody listened to my warnings. As a result, the celebs—terrified of catastrophe up on a what-was-she-thinking list—wilted beneath the burden and became gun-shy and risk-averse. What little adventuresome there was has boring evaporated. No added electric dejected anatomy stockings (Raquel Welch) or hippie caftans (Angela Lansbury). No added aberrant showgirl freak-outs (Cher) or asleep swans (Bjork) or bootleg one-sleeve frocks (Kim Basinger). No added men in Versace chiffon (Trey Parker) or breed in American Express Card disco dresses (Lizzy Gardiner), and no added Gap Ts (Sharon Stone). In short: no added fashionable cool fun. No added surprises.

The frocks on Sunday night’s 85th Academy Awards red carpeting were so stunningly accepted that it is about absurd to anticipate of annihilation to say about them … and yet somehow I accept managed. Want to apprehend the top trends? I anticipation you would. Here goes …

Trend No. 1: Actuality called Jennifer

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Photos of Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lawrence, and Jennifer Hudson by Lucas Jackson/Reuters. Photo of Jennifer Garner by Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images.

Jennifer was the mot de la nuit: I’m talking about presenter Jennifer Aniston in her red Valentino, appointee Jennifer Lawrence in her white Dior haute couture, Jennifer Hudson in her blood-tingling Cavalli, and Jennifer Garner in her plummy amethyst Gucci strapless number. Which brings us to the additional trend of the black …

Trend No. 2: Cutting bustier dresses that account shockwaves

Photos by Lucy Nicholson/Reuters

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Stop the presses: Strapless gowns were all over le tapis rouge. Abounding girls did not absolutely accept the requisite arbor to authority them up, which precipitated addition trend: yanking your adopted schmatta in a vertical direction. Kerry Washington (Miu Miu) and Charlize Theron (Dior Couture), I’m talking to you!

Trend No. 3: Designers deploying sequins

Photo of Naomi Watts by Lucas Jackson/Reuters. Photo of Nicole Kidman by Adrees Latif/Reuters.

Fashion designers blew the minds of all-around assemblage by plonking such notables as Naomi Watts (Armani Prive) and Nicole Kidman (L’Wren Scott) in sequined gowns. How arise it’s taken so continued for designers to admit the reflective, affecting qualities of sequins? What’s next? Bugle beads? Satin?

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Trend No. 4: Celebrities visiting hairdressers

Photo of Reese Witherspoon by Lucas Jackson/Reuters. Photos of Jessica Chastain and Eddie Redmayne by Lucy Nicholson/Reuters.

Tonight’s Oscar commemoration saw a anarchy in hair: People had their beard done. While Chastain and Witherspoon autonomous for the Veronica Lake peekaboo—that’s the aforementioned crew that was banned in ammunition factories during World War II because gals kept accepting their locks abstruse up in whirring machinery—Eddie Redmayne’s do was professionally foofed into an aboriginal 19th aeon Mr. Darcy bouncing tornado.  

Trend No. 5: Actors accessorizing their apparel with heartwarming relatives

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Photos of Bradley and Gloria Cooper and Chris and Lisa Evans by Lucas Jackson/Reuters. Photo of Quvenzhané Wallis and ancestors by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images.

Gloria Cooper accompanied Bradley, Chris Evans hand-bagged Evans mère, and Jessica Chastain rocked Granny while cutting Michael Kors. The accolade for the best abounding about accessorization goes to Quvenzhané Wallis, who had an associates of three sequined ancestors associates with her at all times. The admirable Miss Wallis additionally reaffirmed the old aphorism that’s it’s OK to abrasion a puppy purse AND a tiara.

Trend No. 6: Not actuality anorexic

Photo of Melissa McCarthy by Frederic J. Brown/AFP/Getty Images. Photo of Adele by Lucas Jackson/Reuters.

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By actuality the aforementioned admeasurement as abounding of the black-clad PR flacks who attend the celebs— I’m talking about those beyond ladies who fizz about cutting clipboards and headsets and arise to boutique at Eileen Fisher—Melissa McCarthy and Adele accepted that breed who like to eat can additionally abrasion sequins and win awards. Bravo, girls!

Trend No. 7: Not actuality ever anxious about the achievability of a nipplegate

Photo by Adrees Latif/Reuters

Previous proponents of this trend accommodate Jennifer Lopez and Jennifer Lopez. Tonight’s nipple-oblivious siren? Anne Hathaway in her ambrosial blush Prada.

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More abominable account has aloof arise in: Apparently the celebs will be accessory after-parties area they will blot ample amounts of booze.

Brace yourselves for aing year!

*Correction, Feb. 25, 2013: A photo explanation originally antipodal the positions of Reese Witherspoon and Jessica Chastain.

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