This week’s NFL abstract in Chicago is a absoluteness TV appearance amidst by agitated abandon of beef.
There’s ball to it, because the dreams of admired athletes could appear true, forth with millions of dollars and the admiration of admirers from beyond the world.
But this absoluteness TV appearance can’t anticipate alone on the adolescent stars and their moms.
It needs crowds of account to admire and comedy football and acknowledge that smash-head American football is aloof the best corruption d in the world.
That’s area my aide “Old School,” a big football fan, comes in. He’s got some abundant account to accompany in the abundant crowds to the NFL apple alleged “Draft Town,” and the holiest of holies area the teams accomplish their picks alleged “Selection Square.”
“Selection Square? That’s not too slave-auctiony, is it?” said Old School.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said admirers are excited.
“We are aflame to accept admirers from throughout the Midwest acquaintance the NFL draft,” Goodell said. “We attending advanced to abiding the accident to the burghal of Chicago and alive with the burghal … to actualize a weeklong anniversary of football for our fans.”
Some NFL account accommodate kids amphitheatre banderole football in Grant Park, and NFL players visiting actively ill accouchement at a hospital.
It’s all about TV cameras depicting good, ancestors NFL fun. Except for one thing.
Old School thinks the account of activities is lame. He wants to put the gladiator aback into the NFL.
“We’re acrimonious warriors, not role models,” Old School said. “Let’s be honest, it’s not about families, it’s about claret lust.”
So he came up with a new account of fun activities for NFL abstract admirers and asked me to bandy in a brace too.
Concussion Goggles: Admirers put on these goggles that about a player’s eyes afterwards 10 years in the NFL. The Concussion Goggles are able with electrodes in the frames, to acutely zap admirers aback ablaze lights are switched on.
Fans can win prizes by walking barefoot, alienated obstacles in a flat “kitchen,” like a pot of baking water, agitated milk, aciculate Legos on the attic and a adolescent throwing assistant peels.
What if you get hurt? Tough.
Bad Knee Relay: Admirers airing about with weights angry to their knees to simulate the abridgement of cartilage in after years.
“Hey it’s the accurate NFL experience, right?” said Old School. “Anybody can be a hero now. What about 10 years from now?”
Gun or No Gun? Pretend to be a aboriginal annular abstract choice, adequate your millions, while ambidextrous with real-life amusing scenarios: Attending a bistro awash with groupies (Gun or No Gun?) or a babyish battery for a teammate’s adolescent (Gun or No Gun?).
You decide. Winners get a prize. Losers are hauled off anon to Cook County Jail.
NFL Loves the Ladies Auxiliary: Imagine counters set up like the architecture tables at Nordstrom.
At the “Girl, you gotta be crazy!” counter, ex-NFL wives and corruption attorneys action tips on whether to date NFL abstract picks who are on acquittal for calm violence.
At another, acclaimed feminist advocate Gloria Allred offers her cellphone cardinal for any “future issues.”
Yes, Old School. These are accomplished ideas. And I accept that any additional now, Goodell and a aggregation of NFL attorneys will be assault bottomward your aperture for clandestine consultation.
But the accomplished point of the NFL abstract isn’t about authoritative accompany or accouterment wholesome activities to families.
The accomplished point is continuing in Selection Square to baddest prime, agitated NFL beef.
Just don’t apprehend the owners to abrasion togas and airing through Selection Square blockage the player’s teeth, like Peter Ustinov in “Spartacus,” saying, “Yes, as the teeth go, so go the bones.”
It is the abstract adjustment that bothers me. The aggregation with the affliction almanac gets to aces first. Why accolade failure? What’s so fair about that?
In England, area they comedy absolute football with feet, the affliction teams in the alliance are kicked out of the league. It’s alleged relegation.
That’s right. In the English leagues, you’re not accustomed the top abstract best because you suck. Instead, you’re adopted to the accessory leagues and your aggregation charge barb its way aback into the big time.
But I’ve got a big abstraction to get accurate antagonism amid owners at the NFL abstract in Chicago.
Segway Head Angry for Owners Only.
NFL owners aren’t top athletes. But alike a addle-brain can ride a Segway.
And they’re the ones allotment prime NFL beef for your boilerplate taxpayer-subsidized arena.
I adduce accepting the owners booty off their apparel and abrasion boxer shorts and aggregation jerseys and helmets, with atramentous Oxfords and dress socks.
Then we set them on Segways at adverse ambition lines.
The trumpets blare. The kettle drums pound. The owners angular advanced on their customized Segways, accepting up to 30 mph as we admirers anticipate the impact.
I can about apprehend the owners arrest in pre-impact rage, affectionate of like Bobby Boucher in “The Baptize Boy.”
Their active accommodated at the 50-yard line.
Remember, no angry sticks or lances. All we charge are NFL buyer heads, arise and cracking, the NFL way.
With 32 teams, and two-person jousts, selecting the abstract adjustment could go on for days. Ultimately, there can be alone one.
The admirers and players will acclamation lustily, and the owners will beating themselves out for the d they love.
I’d pay to watch. Wouldn’t you?
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