You can’t accumulate a acceptable woman down.
Or rather, in.
I’m talking, of course, about Spanx.
If you don’t apperceive what Spanx is, let me acquaint you.
It’s a girdle.
But it’s alleged a “body abstraction garment,” in that it compresses your flesh, nerves, and centralized organs so that you attending thinner. In added words, Spanx is a abundant abstraction if you don’t like oxygen.
Anyway, you ability bethink that, about six years ago, I wrote about how abundant I hated Spanx. I got alien to them aback I bought a brace by accident, cerebration they were tights. I got my size, which is B.
I took them home and put them on, which was like bottomward into a tourniquet. I absolutely managed to clasp myself into them, again I put on a dress and looked at myself in the mirror.
From the front, I looked like a Tootsie Cycle with legs.
From the back, instead of accepting ocks, I had ock.
In added words, my lower anatomy had been adapted into a cylinder. I had become the agenda in the cycle of toilet paper. I no best had saddlebags area God intended.
Also the adaptable waistband was giving me a do-it-yourself hysterectomy.
Plus, I couldn’t breathe.
Actually, that’s incorrect. I could inhale, but not exhale.
Turns out you charge both.
I didn’t acquire the product, so I went to the website, which explained that they were “slimming apparel.” The website claimed that “these avant-garde undergarments annihilate VBL (visible bra lines) and VPL (visible panty lines).”
Would this be a acceptable time to say that I’m in favor of VBL and VPL? Especially VPL. In fact, I appetite my P as V as possible.
You apperceive why?
Because I abrasion P.
I don’t apperceive what affectionate of arresting we’re sending if we appetite our s to advance otherwise.
Also, aback I looked in the mirror, I noticed that the fat on my achievement was actuality awkward upward, abrogation a cycle at my waist which could canyon for a abutment device.
I arrested the website, and Spanx had the solution, in “slimming camis.” That is, camisoles that fit like Ace bandages, which apparently affective the fat cycle at the waist and awkward it upward, so that it popped out at the top, as s.
Or rather, ta-tas!
So I was bad-humored about my Spankies.
I threw them out and wrote about how abundant I hated them.
At the time, some women replied by e-mail, accordant with me, but best disagreed, adage they admired their Spanx.
But, evidently, no more.
Or maybe they died from abridgement of circulation.
Today I saw an commodity in the newspaper, advertisement that Spanx sales acquire taken a downturn.
I don’t commonly rejoice in the misfortunes of others, but: Yay!
And why are sales sliding?
Because women capital to be comfortable!
Also, their spleens staged a protest.
Because you can’t accumulate a acceptable woman down.
We got depressed.
Because we were oppressed.
Women are acquirements to acquire themselves, aloof the way we are.
But the aforementioned bi-weekly commodity additionally said that women were ditching their Spanx for yoga pants, which is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
I acquire a brace of yoga pants – but, on me, they’re yogurt pants.
And, accept me, the bake-apple is on the bottom.
In fact, as I get older, aggregate is on the bottom.
But Spanx isn’t demography this setback lying down.
Which is surprising, because if you abrasion Spanx, that’s all you can do.
Spanx has a new president, and she’s starting to accent comfort, such as bras with “soft-touch underwire contouring.”
When was the aftermost time you saw a “soft” underwire bra?
I acquire an underwire bra, which feels like under-barbed-wire. I abrasion it for book signings, aback I appetite to attending 50.
It rides up to the average of my s, abrogation a red band on my bark that looks as if somebody played affix the dots with my nipples.
So I won’t be affairs the “soft touch” underwire.
I’m not a bendable touch.
Look for Lisa and Francesca’s latest amusement collection, “Meet Me at the Emotional Baggage Claim.” Also, attending for Lisa’s latest novel, “Every Fifteen Minutes,” in food now.
Published: May 3, 2015 — 1:26 PM EDT
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