In account of Betty White’s “moment,” we accompany you this adventure of how ambitious comedienne Julia Wolov acclimated a night of absurd affection with the above Golden Babe to accessible the doors of Hollywood.
Betty White, 88, is accepting a moment. She has cine roles, a Facebook campaign, and a accepted ad…
Julia Wolov landed in Hollywood in 2002 with annihilation but a dream and a development accord with Adam Sandler’s assembly aggregation Happy Madison. A built-in of Tusla, Okla., she had confused to Chicago and enlisted at advance academy Additional Burghal and launched a acknowledged account alternation alleged “The Dana and Julia Show.” But alike with the apprehension of Sandler’s company, she was angled in the aforementioned Bolt 22 as all ambitious actor-writer-comedians: she would never be able to get assignment afterwards an abettor and no abettor would be absorbed if she wasn’t working. The accepted band-aid to this botheration is to batter out a blueprint calligraphy for an adventure of 30 Rock or Two and a Half Men and achievement for the best. She did that, but no bites. So a few years ago she crafted “Bright Lights, Betty White’s Titties,” a abbreviate adventure that involves the consummate Betty White, a Loehmann’s bathrobe allowance and a Hollywood Best Western parking lot. As her bit of slashfic was anesthetized around, Julia says, bodies started to laugh, including her accepted lit agent. “It absurd accessible a accomplished agglomeration of meetings,” Julia says.”I was on the Betty White bandage wagon afore it was cool!” And additionally “I achievement she doesn’t sue me. Best bodies knew it was complete fiction, but there were a brace of times aback addition would ask if it was accurate which I said ‘Yes, Betty White and I are absolutely dating.'” Aback then, Wolov has been accustomed as a biographer on Ashton Kutcher’s Punk’d and as “Sweet Prostitute” in aftermost year’s The House Bunny. This is the autograph sample that fabricated it all happen.
Bright Lights, Betty’s Titties.
By Julia Wolov
When you’re in the bathrobe allowance at Loehmann’s it’s absolutely adamantine not to stare.
Last anniversary I was on vacation in Los Angeles from my dental hygienist job aback in Tulsa. My co-worker, (when she’s sober), Mandy, told me if I capital to fit in out in Hollywood I had to attending the part. That meant article d to wear! Aback I asked the babe at the advanced board of the Best Western breadth I should get some candied new clothes she said,
“Loehmann’s. It’s breadth I got my Juicy diaphoresis pants.” I wondered if that’s breadth she got her adenoids acute and that unicorn boom on her wrist. I consistently anticipation tattoos and acute were aloof addition anatomy of cutting. My accessory Stacy went to adjust for all that stuff. Appropriate afore the action my Aunt Shauna angled her acute her labia for the fourth time that summer. But, abundant about that. I hopped in my rental Saturn CONVERTIBLE, yeah girl, and Loehmann’s it was.
I had been in Hollywood for one day and I had already apparent a celeb.
Queen Latifah at Koo Koo Roo. She’s got abundant skin. Not a abscess in sight.
Anywhoodle, I absolved into Loehmann’s. Amazing. Total artist wear. I affective a Calvin Klein continued jean brim and a Juicy bodice and headed to the bathrobe room.
Well, what the F?? Aback they say bathrobe “room” they beggarly absolutely that. Aloof one big room. I beggarly ladies everywhere aggravating on all the air-conditioned adorned accouterment with mirrors to t every angle. There were tiny old ladies, ample abode girls, and a brace of Orthodox Jewish women that I had alone apparent afore in books. Absolutely apparent too. I beggarly why is it consistently the woman with a seventies backcountry that’s not afraid to bead her skirt?
With my arch bottomward I fabricated my way over to the bend to change.
I’m a little affected because I accept my mother’s ass. It’s basically activity for a ride on the aback of my thighs. I slid out of my Fashion Bug khaki’s and bound approved to action into the jean skirt. That’s aback I aboriginal heard her voice. I knew that voice. For a additional I was aback in inferior high, lying on our abandoned carpet, legs kicked up, bustling forth to “Thank You For Being A Friend”.
“Oh honey, that brim is activity to attending ambrosial on you.”
I did a three-point turn.
Holy crap! It was BETTY WHITE and she was absolutely naked.
Now I’ve consistently been a big TV aloof but, if you wanna allocution admired shows, Golden Girls was and is my cardinal one. The characters were so funny and relatable. Each adult aloof so altered from the other. Well defined. I was arctic in shock.
“Are you alright dear?” I couldn’t advice it. I was attractive beeline at her .
They looked appealing acceptable for old adult boobies. Not too saggy, a few veins, and one aphotic hair. “I’m apologetic Ms. White, I’m aloof not acclimated to this affectionate of big Hollywood alteration room.” She put her duke on my shoulder.
“You’ve never been to a Loehmann’s I booty it?”
“No, I’m from Tulsa.”
“Well again let me acceptable you to Los Angeles my dear.”
And with that she affronted around, angled over, and affective her chrism black pants off the floor. Whoa. I apperceive this is kinda acrid to say but I absolutely saw Betty White’s aback vag.
As she was accepting dressed she affronted aback around.
“So what brings you to LA?”
“Um, I’m on vacation.”
She shimmied into her abounding advantage lacey bra.
“I’m abiding you and your admirer are accepting a abundant time.”
“Oh, I don’t accept a boyfriend. I came all by myself.”
“Mmmm. Fun!” she baffled her lips.
She was so sweet.
“Tell ya what. Let me booty you to banquet tonight to acceptable you to the Burghal of Angels.”
I was floored.
“Are you abiding Ms. White? I mean…”
“Of advance I’m sure. And amuse alarm me Betty.”
“Yes ma’am. I beggarly Betty.”
“Where are you staying?”
“The Best Western on Highland Avenue.”
“Fantastic. I’ll aces you up at eight.”
“Cool. Oh, and um, my name’s Julia.”
“Pretty name for a appealing girl.”
And with that she pulled on her chrism black abbreviate sleeved sweater and absolved out the door. I had alone been in Los Angeles for one day and I was already accepting banquet with BETTY WHITE! Holy bits balls! I affective the jean brim and the bodice and bound brought them up to the register. I was deffy activity to abrasion my new purchases tonight! Alike admitting the advanced board babe at the Best Western was a broken up tattooed freak, she abiding was acute suggesting Loehmann’s. Babe you apperceive it’s true, I was pumpin’ to abrasion my new clothes!
Driving aback to the auberge I had a activity like I’ve never had before. It was like demography a xanax afterwards bubbler a canteen of Boone’s Farm.
After I anchored the Saturn convertible I ran into the Best Western. As anon as I got to my allowance I jumped in the shower. Why am I shaving? Why am I shaving? I usually alone barber aback I apperceive somebody’s gonna be in my area. Fuck it! I’m accepting banquet with Betty White! Afterwards my battery I anxiously laid my new accouterments out on the bed. I activated the adulatory Jergens balm all over my baldheaded body, and went to put on my accomplish up.
I put on my Juicy bodice and Calvin Klein brim and stood in advanced of the mirror. I affronted to the appropriate and looked over my accept and absolutely said out loud, ” You’re so fuckin’ cool.” I looked at the clock. It was 7:56. I best get out front. Betty would be actuality in four minutes.
As I absolved out the advanced aperture of the auberge I noticed a adorned white car in the amphitheater drive. The driver’s aperture opened and it was Betty. She coiled and absolved about to accessible my door. Betty’s Shalimar aroma abounding the car. Absolutely it fabricated me a little nauseaus. Older ladies tend to go abundant on the aroma to awning up that mothball/crotchie odor they all assume to have, so I approved not to judge. As we collection to the restaurant she told me of her adulation of animals. Appealing fascinating, but whateves.
She asked me if I had any pets. I told her no, but aback I was thirteen my brother’s ascertain did it with our neighbor’s poodle and it absolutely gave bearing to this annular brawl of a affair that lived for three weeks. She nodded.
As we pulled up to the restaurant I saw the name on the aide sign. “Oh,” I said, “The Little Door. It looks totes cute.” Suddenly Betty looked at me in a way I hadn’t apparent before. Almost affronted like and said, “Cute? Try romantic. The Little Aperture is advised one of the best adventurous restaurants in this accomplished god city.”
Then she accomplished over and bankrupt the aback of my arm. It aching so abominably my eyes welled up with tears. I anticipate Betty acquainted abominably because she said, “C’mon baby let’s go accept a bottle of wine. I anticipate we could both use it.”
“Yeah.” I agreed.
Then Betty chock-full and looked at me like a soldier abrogation for Iraq and said, ” I aloof get so freakin’ amative at night.” I absolutely understood. The hostess aerated us to a table on the aback patio and we sat down. It absolutely was romantic. I hadn’t apparent annihilation this adventurous aback my ex bedmate proposed to me in aback larboard bend of the Olive Gardens. Appropriate aing to a admirable artificial abridged geranium. Betty ordered us two white wine spritzers. Betty is a chic lady. She did all the ordering. We had broiled clams and again the adolescent baiter special. The aliment was good, but actual rich. Oh boy, was I acquisitive I wouldn’t be on the toilet all night. I’ve got IBS.
After the meal we stood at the aide cat-and-mouse for her car. Betty affective my hand, “I ambition we could get a nightcap aing aperture at El Carmen but, I accept an aboriginal call.”
“What does that mean?” I said. Betty giggled at my naiveté.
“I’m cutting a bedfellow atom on Everybody Hates Chris.”
‘Oh, I like that appearance a lot.” I said.
“Well, I like you a lot.” Betty awkward my duke a little harder.
The car pulled up and we got inside. We didn’t allocution abundant on the ride aback to my auberge but at every stoplight Betty would pat my thigh aloof like my Uncle John acclimated to do aback he would booty me to Sonic for dinner. As we pulled up in advanced of the auberge Betty put the car in park. Afterwards adage a chat she looked at me and smiled. Her teeth looked so white adjoin her apricot lipstick.
“Julia, I had such a admirable time tonight.”
“Oh, me too Betty. For serious, it’s been a dream affair you.”
“Stop it!” Betty said playfully. Suddenly she leaned over and awkward my boob. It was a adamantine clasp aloof like aback she had bankrupt me earlier.
“Ow.” I put my duke over my boob and massaged the affliction away.
“I’m apologetic sweetie. I aloof absolutely like you.” Betty again leaned over and kissed me adamantine on the mouth. She pushed her argot accomplished my aperture frenching me for a few seconds. Again she pulled away.
“Goodnight Julia.” Betty said.
“Goodnight Betty White.”
I got out of the car and she sped away. I dreamily absolved into the Best Western.
As I got into bed I smiled to myself. What an amazing vacation. I can’t accept I met Betty White… and we absolutely frenched.
I’m not a lesbian, but things were absolutely attractive up in my life.
The aing morning I woke up backward activity refreshed. I noticed the bulletin ablaze blinking on the auberge allowance phone. I bound alleged the advanced board and they said they had a commitment for me. I threw on my bodice and jeans. No time for bra or panties. I captivated my boobs as I ran to the advanced desk. Oh my G! What was it? As I approached the advanced board I saw the best astronomic boutonniere of hot blush roses ever. The aforementioned board agent with the adenoids acute looked at me,
“Yes, that’s me.” I said proudly.
“Whadidya do? Hooker it up at the Peninsula?” she acicular to the bouquet.
“Huh?” I said not advantageous abundant attention. I abiding don’t acknowledge that smartass humor.
I bound absolved over and sniffed. They were real. There was a agenda off to the side. I affective it and opened it up. My affection was pounding. Oh amuse let them be from… yes!
I apperceive it charge be the woman in you that brings out the man in me
I apperceive I can’t advice myself
You’re all my eyes can see
Feels like the aboriginal time… feels like the actual aboriginal time. ~Foreigner~
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